You Are My Favorite Mistake And The One That Will Kill Me

You are my favorite mistake and the one that will kill me

You are my favorite mistake. You are the one I love and the one that causes my insomnia. You are the best and worst that has happened to me. You are my vice, a vice that hurt me so much that it directly changed me. You are both life and death, and worst of all, I can’t live without you.

Before knowing you, I had already heard of you, of your horrors, but I never thought they were real, for me they were just rumors. And when a person only talks about something that they shouldn’t talk about, it appeals to me because you don’t always hear the truth and, in this case, I decided that before listening to others, I had to know you.

That night, I insisted a lot with my friends that they introduce me to the one who was going to be the worst mistake of my life. I did not know it, but  your attraction was so magnetic that, from the first impression, I fell in your nets, with no way out.

You were the flame that guides the torch of freedom. You were the only way to make me free and different, or at least that’s what I thought. Now I realize how silly I was to idealize you so much without even knowing you, based solely on the pull I felt towards the forbidden world.

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I can not live without you

Now I can’t live without you but, at that point, knowing you and joking with you just felt touching. I did not see the danger of a little contact with something that is said to be forbidden. For me, the word “forbidden” is a test and decides whether or not you are stronger than others and if you know yourself better. 

I remember that night as very special. As soon as they introduced you, I noticed how warmth was creeping through my veins and how my world was changing. You crept into my bowels in such a clear and exclusive way that I can’t think of anything but you.

I cannot live without you, without your way of taking my hand to touch the sky, without your way of making me escape from this world of reasonable people who do not understand the unreasonable. I can’t live without you, even though I know that every time I touch you you are slowly killing me.

I can’t live without you and the mistake of knowing you still weighs on my shoulders. This relationship of love, hate and admiration that I have with you is killing me:  the good times are getting shorter and shorter and the bad are more constant every day.

I depend more and more on you, on a dose from you that would alleviate my suffering even if it is you who makes me suffer. So, I write from this place, from this place filled with thorns of hedgehogs and cacti where  I struggle between what my heart wants and what my reason dictates to me. A fight in which I am the only loser.

From this I can tell the whole world that you, DEAR HEROIN,  you are the mistake that will kill me.

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You are the mistake that will kill me

You are the heroine, this drug, this mistake that will kill me. You are going to kill me because the addiction I have for you is so strong that I cannot leave you. The chills, nausea, and tremors that can shake me when I try to get away from you don’t allow me to spend much time without you.

When I spend a lot of time without you, even hallucinations take hold of me. These are terrifying visions that turn my world into an inhospitable and dark place filled with monsters who want to hurt me. While I know for a fact that the only monster that exists in my life, the monster that destroys me, the mistake that I regret, is you, damn drug.

You are the one who dominates my thoughts and actions. Ultimately, you are the one that was my favorite mistake and the one that now dominates my life. You are the one who covered my arms with bites and broke my veins into a thousand pieces.  

You are the one who makes me vomit and who makes me defecate on myself without being able to avoid it because your presence dominates me. I know, through your fault, I can’t keep a job because I only think about having a dose and for that reason I can’t keep schedules.

Worst of all is that I know that for fun time I screwed my life up. I know that I chose to fall into the error of trying heroin and that for me, it is the drug which is guilty whereas I was free to choose what I set foot in when I asked for some.

But I also know that if you read these lines you can still save yourself from this scourge of drugs in your life. For me it’s too late, I now have AIDS for not waiting for a clean needle. I couldn’t wait because my body was asking for a dose and I was tired of in pain while waiting for a needle.

Don’t be like me, don’t make the same mistake because no matter how strong you think you are, drugs will get you. Don’t fall for it, be smart, it’s not worth it. The resulting small dose of pleasure is worth nothing compared to an eternity of suffering. Don’t tell yourself you won’t be like me, I was thinking the same about other people and now I’m almost dead.

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