You are doing well. It doesn’t matter what other people say or think about the decisions you’ve made, the things you’ve left behind, and what you do your way, with your passion, your style, your charisma. Everything will be alright. Even if you sometimes doubt, you understand that life is a process: as long as you have confidence in yourself, the path will follow its course, with harmony and tranquility.
These thoughts are what we want (and need) to hear from someone. Just because we need it does not mean at all that we seek the agreement of other people or that we doubt ourselves. Sometimes a token of recognition or a positive comment at the precise moment acts as an emotional caress and a vital impulse.
For example, the phrase “you are doing wonderfully” is essential in a child’s personal world. Praise is actually much more than just positive reinforcement. It is a way of motivating the little one to continue, to move forward, while nourishing their self-esteem, their confidence and their feeling of security. It is also an expression that focuses more on the process than on the result.
Thus, and beyond this infantile stage, adults also sometimes need, from time to time, this type of positive interaction in which we find both personal recognition and a mark of support. For example, the mother or the father who, day after day, carries out this difficult task of bringing up a child, needs it. Just like this person who, at some point, decides to make a change in his life and who sees someone close to him telling him that he is right, that this act is a real mark of courage …
The different types of personal support that we can find on a daily basis
Most of us have already put on our adult shoes. They fit perfectly to our feet and we feel lighter than ever, even if it is true that the soles can be a little worn by the road traveled, by the stones crossed, by the puddles that have splashed them in the along our vital journey. However, during this journey, which still holds a lot of experiences in store for us, one aspect continues to affect us in different ways.
We are obviously talking about the support, the consideration and the closeness of the people around us. We could say that “it doesn’t affect us”, that we have reached a point in our personal development where the words spoken by others are like the rancid air that occupies a room that has not been ventilated… and that we let’s open the window to let this air go and breathe more calmly. However, as much as we strive to get to this point, things don’t always turn out that way. What our parents or siblings tell us sometimes hurts us. The comments of our friends and spouses are important to us.
This is why hearing a “you are doing wonderfully” does us good and tells us if this relationship or this bond is working. Thus, we can be sure that we have found these three types of personal support (which we are now going to talk about) in our life.
The people who help, the people who mandate, the people who hinder
Niall Bolger is a researcher in the Department of Psychology at Columbia University, an expert in the studies of personal relationships and their impact on our psychological well-being. In one of his works, he demonstrated that the way our closest circle helps or supports us can be based on three types of dynamics.
- The people who mandate. We must keep in mind that a person who “authorizes” does not support. A person who mandates seeks above all to tell us how to do things well according to his beliefs, his values or his desires. They are friends, family, or spouses who, instead of understanding our perspectives or accepting our wishes or choices, seek to “empower” us to match their personal worlds.
- People who hinder. Another style of interaction and bonding is that of this person who assures us at all times that we want only the best for us but who, at the same time, acts by creating obstacles for us. It is this profile that corresponds to expressions like “you are doing well but don’t forget that you made a mistake in the past and that it is likely that you will do the same again” or “understand – me well, since I love you and appreciate you a lot, I think it is better that you stop everything with this person ”…
- The people who help. Dr Bolge, responsible for this study, defined a third type of relationship and even considers it the most important of all. These are the people who have the innate ability to say the right things at the right time and who give us “invisible support”. That is to say that we do not always need to be at the side of this person to know that we benefit from all his support, all his interest, all his tenderness …
You are doing wonderfully because …
We know that these verbal and emotional comments from our loved ones are very often helpful. They help us move forward. However, we must not forget that we must also motivate ourselves, validate ourselves, inject ourselves with adequate emotional caresses to find this vital energy that will allow us to face daily life.
Thinking about these sentences and internalizing them will therefore never be useless:
- You are doing wonderfully because, finally, you manage to live in harmony with your essence, your values and your needs. It doesn’t matter that you sometimes encounter difficult situations because that is the price of congruence with yourself.
- You are doing wonderfully because every day is a small victory, because you achieve something new that enriches you personally.
- You are doing wonderfully because you left some things behind, people and dynamics that were hurting you, that offered you neither balance nor happiness.
- You are doing wonderfully because to live means to dare, to move forward and not to stop. Happiness is a process and you are on the right path, the path that you yourself have chosen.
Let’s put this type of mental perspective into practice. At the end of the day, it costs nothing and allows us to achieve a lot.