When You Are Your Own Enemy

When you are your own enemy

To be our own enemy is to have a feeling of rejection towards who we are, what we think and what we feel.

It is to make a scathing, oversized criticism of the least of our own actions.

It is sabotaging any opportunity that could allow us, if we seized it, to be better in our life, or happier.

There is no love without hate, just as there is no hate without love. These two feelings are like day and night: the tails side and the front side of the same coin.

Even in the most tender and transparent affection, there are always bursts or puffs of hatred.

Indeed, any dose of love implies a certain dose of dissatisfaction. Perfect love does not exist, simply because perfect beings do not exist.

We love others and others love us in a faulty way, but this also applies to the love we have for ourselves: it is never complete.

Now, what happens when instead of loving yourself, you hate yourself? What happens when we act like we are our own enemy?

 


“Even your worst enemy cannot hurt you as much as your own thoughts.”

-Buddha-


Why then are we our own enemy?

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Logically, we should all be able to count on at least ourselves to move forward in life.

However, this is not always the case. Often, it is precisely ourselves who take charge of making our life a living hell.

We are not born hating ourselves, on the contrary; when we are born, we ask for everything and we give nothing.

We then have no doubts about the legitimacy of our needs and other desires.

But it is then that we enter childhood that these negative ideas about ourselves begin to settle in our minds, which can sometimes mark us throughout our life.

What leads us to such convictions is the presence of a figure who does everything to have these beliefs.

It is about a person whom we love, and who occupies an essential role in our development; it can be the father, the mother, and sometimes even both.

Sometimes it is even the whole family structure that is concerned, or even a person on whom, in one way or another, we depend.

What is certain is that this figure or this structure is incapable of welcoming a new being in love.

Usually, it is then a chain of disenchantment that is put in place: the parents, or even the whole family repeat what they themselves saw at the beginning of their life.

This figure or structure is defined by relationships in which indifference to the needs of others, to sadness, shame or aggressiveness prevails.

A whole series of gestures of abandonment, threat of abandonment, or even rejection then appear.

Silences are harsh, feelings are denied, acts of assertiveness are rejected and punished. Judgments are severe, and emotions are suppressed.

In such an atmosphere, it is clearly not easy to build a solid esteem, either towards oneself or towards others.

The vicious circle

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Self-distrust is learned both consciously and unconsciously.

We all carry within us some component of self-destructive impulses that grow and potentiate when the environment we find ourselves in feeds them.

The child then becomes an adolescent, then an adult, and he is more or less invaded by sadness, anger and guilt, just as many feelings that can arise from anything and be addressed to everything and nothing at the same time.

Certain automatisms then take hold in his mind: I cannot, I am not capable of it, I am afraid, I am not worth anything, I do not count for anyone.

It is also reflected in the image that we can have of others: they cannot, they are not able, they are afraid, they are worth nothing, they do not count.

This is how a vicious circle is finally built within which this harmful relationship that we have with ourselves and which results in a destructive relationship with others is maintained.

This leads to bad experiences, which feed the idea that one is a bad or unworthy person.

This lack of self-esteem is also due to the mechanism known as “identification with the aggressor”.

In other words, you end up looking like those people who hurt us so much. Of course, this mechanism is unconscious.

Children, we seek love, recognition and respect, and sometimes some children receive just the opposite.

However, rather than questioning these reactions, we try to be like the people who have rejected, abandoned or assaulted us.

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We then perpetuate, by looking at ourselves in the mirror, the negative gaze that one day fell on us.

We internalize the hatred and rejection of which we have been the object, and we accept as valid these feelings towards ourselves.

Often the root of many problems such as depression is a story like this.

It is then that we end up taking on a weight that in fact does not correspond to us.

 

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