“Two close friends went on an excursion. As night approached, they decided to sleep under a tree, one next to the other. One of them dreamed that he had taken a boat and had run aground on an island. When he woke up, he asked his friend if he remembered the crossing, the boat and the island. He was amazed when his friend explained to him that he had not had the same dream. Impossible, he couldn’t believe it! He got angry with his friend and refused to accept that the latter had not had the same dream as him… ”
Intolerance, ego, pride, incomprehension and lack of empathy are the natural barriers that keep us away from moments of happiness or states of tranquility and inner peace.
How ready are we to endure a disturbing situation? Do we know how to live by having to face others and especially ourselves? Are we really controlling the balance of pros and cons?
The mismanagement of the stressful situations we find ourselves immersed in and from which we do not know how to get out or do not want to resolve unless it works in our favor, robs us and takes us hours, weeks and even hours. years that we could have spent enjoying our friends, our family or our other half. All this to “be right”.
Is reason so powerful?
The feeling of victory is a powerful drug that we can quickly become addicted to when it is nurtured with pride and ego. However, what is the price to pay to maintain its position?
Is the value we gain by being right more important than the value we gain by losing?
The satisfaction we find in the respect obtained for being right must meet the equation of tranquility, while escaping companionship, connection, affection, friendship and support.
Cinema and literature are filled with stories in which standing firm and blinded by our positions leads to bad luck or misfortune.
However, that does not mean that we are learning from it. We sometimes reflect or give our opinion on what a loved one should do or give up, but in reality, we are not the best example.
Beyond the reasons
The firm position of a person in order to obtain a favorable result in a discussion is based on three elements:
- The need to strengthen your ego
- The need to reaffirm your self-esteem
- Fear of other positions or of “losing” power and control
Except in cases of real evidence where no debate is possible, people tend to think they have the absolute truth.
This idea seems to be embedded in us and it is present in times of tension. However, sometimes it falters when we confront others …
What does positional stagnation lead to?
Rage, fear, frustration and anger. When we see that something is not resolving or going our way, a series of mechanisms set in, unleashing negative emotions that hamper our reasoning and consume our inner energy.
When we stick to our positions, we lose energy, and most importantly, time that we could have spent enjoying unhindered and without feeling of commitment or obligation.
Reproaches, attempts at manipulation, demands, mockery, emotional addictions, etc. We have to be prepared to spot all of these things in this kind of situation.
We must also detect them within ourselves, which try to translate them into behaviors that we are not necessarily proud of in normal times.
How to get out of this impasse ?
We can ask ourselves these few questions to help us find the path to flexibility:
- How do I feel about this situation? Finding the right words to describe what we are feeling helps organize thinking and helps us eliminate “noise” that can disrupt more reasoned aspects of the situation.
- Does the other person know how I feel? It goes far beyond emotionally driven discussions and far beyond “because you are…” and “I am…”.
- Do I know how the other person is feeling? Sometimes we resort to the interpretation of thoughts. It consists of making certain statements like: “I’m sure he thinks…”.
- How did the conflict start? What did I want and what did the other person want?
Then it will be necessary to put in place alternatives within the conflict to resolve it and to know how flexible you can be, or to what extent you accept not to seek reaffirmation of recognition.
And all of this in real and deep sincerity. There is no point in pretending to be flexible, because sooner or later everything will explode and you will go after another conflict accentuated by all the unspoken.
Let’s analyze the time we could save with others and give them the value that corresponds to them. It will bring much more than an “I told you” or an “I knew it”.