Many psychologists have studied the relationships that exist in families to explain the psychopathology from which one of their members suffers.
In reality, all psychology with its different currents is interested in this fact and takes it into account as a trigger factor for many disorders in individuals.
Agglutinated, untied families, democratic versus authoritarian parenting styles, generational alliances, relationships that build a double family bond, overprotection, abandonment, neglect, etc.
The phenomena studied are very numerous and are linked to a type of mental illness with a certain family condition.
Why is it so difficult to broach this topic?
This theme is very difficult to broach, explain and process, and even more so when society states certain ideas as absolute truths which, unfortunately, are not always true.
Blood is the bond of kinship, but does not imply more than that. We hear sentences like: “there is no such thing as family”, “family never hurts us” or “in the family, we must forgive everything”.
All of this causes a lot of pain, guilt and confusion in people who feel that their loved ones have failed to respond to the unconditionality that society has told us they must show.
These people have suffered physical or psychological abuse, or perceive that the education system received has hampered their development and emotional independence.
There are families who intentionally harm each other and others who do it without knowing it, giving love, advice and an education that is thought to be good, regardless of what the children want. not the fate we designed for them.
In this article, we will try to talk about some myths to explain realities. There are some families that get well and some that make you sick.
Assigned roles and labels that stigmatize
From “He is a restless person” to “He has a difficult character,” there is an imperceptible continuum of small phrases, which, said and repeated in the family nucleus, can undermine the hearer.
Basically, it is a way of giving an identity to each of the children, of saving explanations and of alleviating parental deficiencies in education.
Labeling a child is a way of perpetuating their behavior, making them believe that their behavior is “incorrigible” and something inherent in their being.
These labels are perpetuated between parents and teachers, including strangers, and penetrate the direct environment of the child.
Children’s labels do not only stay in the family environment but are also passed on through the teachers and the child’s knowledge.
When he wants to change his behavior, he finds himself facing a wall of mistrust and disapproval.
Often we hear the famous phrase “no one will ever love you as your family loves you”. This sentence hurts the feelings of many people who have not experienced it this way, making it difficult to detect and report this abusive behavior.
We also cannot forget that this abuse can come both ways, from previous generations to following generations.
Just because someone “has the same blood as you” does not mean that they can harm you.
The relationship is something biological and genetic. Yet the right bond is emotional, communicative, and subject to variability in individuals that have little to do with heredity.
The genes establish a hereditary link which implies to be accompanied by a satisfactory emotional bond. This type of belief held by society makes it difficult to detect our needs and our true interests as individuals.
Overprotection that stifles and limits
It is not enough to love without limits. Even in love, one must apply the virtue of balance.
In the early stages of babies’ development, we observe their need to explore fear with a significant affection figure as a reference, something psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth have demonstrated.
The studies with monkeys carried out by Harry Harlow, highlight the fact that the affection and the tenderness of a baby towards its mother are fundamental to developing a secure attachment which allows it to explore the world independently.
However, this attachment should not be confused with overprotection. Ensuring a child’s safety should not prevent them from enjoying their absolute freedom to explore their surroundings.
This early way of interacting with his world will determine his strength and confidence in the future challenges that life will impose on him.
Incomplete aspiration transformed by… children!
Just because most of humanity chooses to have children, and we can do it easily and naturally, doesn’t mean you absolutely need to have them. It’s not an obligation.
Family planning and the massive incorporation of women into the professional world has caused a drop in the number of children.
Some couples today publicly defend their choice not to have children.
So, it is a choice and not an obligation as it was in the past. We find ourselves in a more complex environment which demands more responsibility and honesty.
Children should not be a lifeline for the couple, it is not a form of emotional validation and above all they should not bear the brunt of our frustrations.
You are honored to want your children to have a better childhood than the one you had. But if you want your child to become everything that you couldn’t become or dared to become, you are wrong.
To impose on our children goals related to what we have achieved or not, to compare and to pressure their choices towards a certain path, it is to hamper their individuality.
The role of parents is to help them find their own path and to stimulate them to find the best tools to go in this direction.