Regardless of maturity, age, or even resignation, there always comes a time when we realize that there are arguments that are not worth it.
It is then that we prefer to opt for the silence which smiles, the one which understands, finally, that it is useless to give explanations to who does not wish to understand.
Now, despite the fact that it is often said that arguing is an art where everyone has the right to express themselves but few to judge, it is actually a problem that goes far beyond.
Arguments, sometimes, are like a score where the music is wrong, where you don’t always listen to the other and where everyone wants to be right or to give their opinion. So it can sometimes be an exhausting practice.
There are disputes which, before they begin, are already lost battles. Maybe it’s the years or just tiredness, but there are things you’d better not talk about …
Much of psychology and philosophy has long taught us strategies for getting out of an argument with relief.
Good arguments, the use of heuristics and good emotional management are examples of this, but… What if what we were looking for would be not to start arguments that give us the loser from the start?
We suggest you think about it.
Disputes and speeches that no longer matter to us
Maturity does not depend on age, but on arriving at that personal stage where we no longer wish to lie to ourselves, where we struggle for an inner balance where to take care of our words, respect what we listen to and meditate on each thing that we prefer to keep silent. It is then that we are aware of the aspects that deserve our efforts and our distance.
It is possible, for example, that our relationship with a loved one had been so complex for several years, to the point where having a simple conversation was like falling into the abyss in tension, arguments and bad times without a parachute. However, today everything has changed and it is not because our relationship has improved, but because there is an acceptance of differences. We choose the silence which cannot be overcome, but which is respected.
Eran Halperin is an Israeli psychologist specializing in political disputes and conflict resolution, whose theories can be applied perfectly in the everyday environment. According to what he explains to us, the most complex and bloody arguments have as a psychological component the “threat”, the feeling that someone wants to hinder our principles and our essence.
Mature also means having sufficient inner confidence to consider that certain people and their arguments are no longer a threat to us. Who used to annoy us with his words no longer scares us or annoys us. The respect, the acceptance of the other and this self-esteem which saves us are our allies.
The art of arguing intelligently
We know that there are arguments in which we will not lose our calm or our energy. However, we also understand that life is about negotiating every day to be able to coexist in harmony, to maintain this emotional relationship, to achieve goals in our work and even, why not, find agreements with our own children. Disputes are therefore not exempt from these issues.
The art of arguing intelligently and without side effects requires not only skillful strategy but also good emotional management that we should all know how to apply in our closest environments. We invite you to heed these simple tips.
One of the first things we need to consider is that arguments don’t necessarily end with a winner, the art of arguing effectively requires subtle wisdom, one that allows both parties to come to a conclusion. a point of agreement, to some understanding. We can get this in the following way:
- Hearing is not the same as listening. No dialogue will be effective if we are not able to apply good empathetic “listening”.
- The skill of understanding the other person’s perspective is paramount. This is something that takes a lot of effort and an iron will, but understanding the message and the vision of the person in front of us is essential.
- We must avoid getting on the defensive. Once again, the idea proposed by Eran Halperin emerges: the moment we feel threatened, the argument becomes aggressive and personal walls are erected between the two parties. Understanding can then never come about.
- Self-checking. It is essential to develop good management of emotions. We have to control, above all, enemies like anger or nervousness. They are time bombs who like to slip into arguments.
- Trust. It is important to be confident that we will understand. For that, you have to put your will in it, be close and respectful, and use terms like “I understand you”, “I know that it is true”, “it is possible”… All these are doors towards understanding, small and delicate steps towards meeting, from which we can all come out winners.
Because the disputes that are worth it are those that allow us to reach agreements to coexist in balance and happiness.